Several moments of unintentional hilarity from "New Moon"

1. Kristen Stewart is a terribly wooden actress who mumbles most of her lines. After about two hours of this, a vampire takes her hand in an attempt to read her thoughts. After a beat of silence, the vampire releases her hand and says, “Hm, I can’t see anything.” That’s about what I expected.

2. Towards the end of a very draggy scene at a shoehorned-in Italian vampire council meeting, the camera cuts to a very bored looking vampire slouched in a chair who says, “Can we end this now?” He was talking about some sort of discussion about Edward, but it felt like meta-commentary.

3. During a dramatic and tense scene where our heroes lives are threatened, we are shown a brief vision of the future: It is Edward wearing a sweater vest and khakis, and Bella dressed like a Brigitta from The Sound of Music, running gleefully through the woods without a care in the world while their skin sparkles. The scene is so out of place that the audience—filled with Twilight fans, by the way—burst out in machine gun laughter.

4. Edward has really, really weird looking nipples.

I am going to see New Moon tonight, despite my deep-seated belief that all things Twilight should be thrown into a large pit, covered in gasoline, set on fire, buried and have the land salted so nothing will grow. Then, an atomic bomb wrapped in dynamite will be dropped on the burial site from a helicopter exactly one-mile up.

Hundreds of years later, earth’s remaining survivors will find a time capsule. Along with the typical newspaper clippings and tschotskes relevant to our time, there will be a video containing a message from me. I will tell them, “Always remember: Vampires are not cool. If anyone tries to convince you that sensitive angst-ridden vampires are ‘hot’ or ‘sexy,’ destroy them immediately. Use the gun in the time capsule.” At this point, they will root around some more in the capsule and discover a gun.

I really hate Twilight.

Given the very thorny speech Michael Jordan gave at his own Hall of Fame induction, is anyone still comfortable buying their underwear from him?